Tell Us Something Interesting

TBL invents a new Conference

Wed, 12 Mar 2008 02:19:00 -0400

I have to assume that this is a conference named after the Tennessee Women’s Coach since the Championship game that was played tonight was in the Summit Conference.

I could be wrong though.

Today In Stupid Fucking Questions

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 17:27:26 -0500

TBL’s latest post: “What’s on the line for Duke and UNC?” OK, OK, fair question, I guess. So, I assume TBL will attempt to answer this question within the body of the post, right? Of course not. Instead he’ll answer his own question with the stupidest fucking question of the week:

Is Saturday night’s showdown in Durham simply a meaningless meeting between two of college basketball’s most storied programs, or is there something larger at stake?

Let me answer this for you: Yes, there is something larger at stake. The winner is the ACC Champion. So no, it’s not a “meaningless meeting.” In fact, it’s pretty much as meaningful as a regular season college basketball game can be.

TBL Is Old Fashioned

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 14:18:00 -0500

In recent years college football recruiting has grown to the point where dozens of high school players have begun announcing their future intentions on national television. Some rabid fans have embraced the new “season” on the football calendar while others have decried the practice, often citing the bitter battles that take place over the players. Then there are others that don’t seem to know where they stand.

Call us old-fashioned, but we love it when schools are fighting over a recruit…

Yeah! Like the good ol’ days when Bear Bryant would wrestle Darrell Royal for the rights to the Southwestern Conference’s next great nose tackle.

Call us old-fashioned, but we love how TBL thinks that football programs with multi-million dollar recruiting budgets sniping at each other over a decision made by a 17 year-old kid is somehow old-fashioned.

Bracket Alert: Do NOT Pick UCLA

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 12:44:24 -0500

I was really considering picking UCLA to be one of my Final Four teams, but shit, I just don’t know anymore after this killer analysis from TBL:

It’s difficult to pick against Kevin Love and the best team in the best conference in the country … but something seems off about this team. We don’t know what this is yet, though.

Well fuck, man. I guess just keep us updated, TBL. For now, I’m gonna go ahead and forget about picking them past the Sweet 16. Once you figure what it is that’s off about this team, pass along the good word. Thanks, dude.

Inanity and stupidity breed inanity and stupidity

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 14:29:00 -0500

If TBL has one redeeming ability, or at least one thing about the site that doesn’t make you want to napalm a puppy mill, it’s his ability to get media interviews. The problem is that once the interview is granted, the questions are usually sparse enough that the quality of the interview relies solely on the interviewee. Sometimes it works. Sometimes Chuck Klosterman rapes your anus.

The latest is this interview of NYT reporter Karen Crouse, who comes off as humble, intelligent, and devoted to her craft. So TBL leads in to what is really a solid conversation with this:

Two interesting nuggets before you dive into this week’s interview with New York Times NFL writer Karen Crouse: 1) It’s the first interview we’ve done with anyone from the NYT since Dec. of 2006, and 2) It’s the first interview we’ve done with a female sportswriter since Oct. of 2006.

Note to TBL: There is nothing remotely interesting about either of these facts.

Second: Because Karen Crouse has a butch appearance, TBL’s retard commenters immediately leap on and start calling names. TBL gets all huffy and says rude comments won’t be posted, but what he fails to understand is that when you are as consistently base, dumb, clueless, and silly as he is, your commenters are going to be base, dumb, clueless and silly. It’s your fault they’re retards, not theirs. Why do you think they like your site so much?

Best. TBL Question. Ever.

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 09:50:00 -0500

Jesus, it’s just getting too easy:

So are all Philadelphia writers going to rail against the Phillies and the salary cap all season long? (Daily News)

Yeah, MLB’s salary cap is a real motherfucker.

Also, from today’s “roundup” is this:

this Patrick Swayze news is quite shocking, right?

Help him out here, TBL readers! How else is he to know when to be shocked vs. dismayed vs. merely surprised?

Damn You, TBL Readers!

Wed, 05 Mar 2008 15:21:00 -0500

From today’s “roundup”:

We may be the last bloggers on the net to hear about Felix Pie’s twisted testicle. (Bleed Cubbie Blue)

Yes, TBL, you are the last to know about that story from this weekend (which was actually first on Foul Balls on Monday morning). And shame on your readers for not sending you an email about it!

Seriously, TBL readers, what the fuck?! How come no one sent TBL the god damn Felix Pie twisted nut story when it happened three days ago? Throw him a freakin’ bone here, people. How the fuck else is he supposed to find out about the most popular sports blog stories of the day without someone giving him the heads up? You people know how busy he is digging up non-sports related videos from eight months ago.

Speaking of non-sports related, where the hell is this political analysis we were promised yesterday? It’s 3:20 and I still don’t know who won Texas and Ohio!

Where ever could TBL have found this?

Wed, 05 Mar 2008 11:31:00 -0500

It’s tough to find clips on the Internet that are three days old, but TBL makes it an art form. I don’t know how in the world you can miss it when Fanhouse posted it … twice.

Post #1

Post #2

Plus, these sites

Killer scoop, TBL!

That's Quality Analysis

Wed, 05 Mar 2008 10:17:00 -0500

TBL is really bringing the heat this morning. If there is one reason to visit the website it is for his insightful takes on the NBA.

Six words: Without Chris Bosh, Toronto’s a joke.

Image that. Take away the player that the whole roster is built around, and a slightly above-average team becomes sub-par. Two Words: Pultizer Prize.

Moving on to other recaps from around the league…

Rudy Gay’s dunk on a terrified Joakim Noah should have been a post all by itself. Spectacular.

Don’t worry TBL, it’s not too late! You have a whole day to fill over there. And while you’re at it why not fill up some space with a few words about the rest of the game. Maybe even something about the Bulls, and how they won… Nah, we like your way better.

Nice in-the-stands recap from Sactown Royalty. He went for 17 in the final 5:56 as the Lakers outscored the Kings 36-18 in the fourth quarter to rally for the victory. Can someone please check Chris Wallace’s lifestyle? Yup, we’re headed there; it’s only logical. The guy he sent to LA had 31-10.

We consulted every wise man in the galaxy and nobody could tell us what this means. Not even Yogurt, and he has the Schwartz. The closest we can figure is that a blogger led the Lakers to victory over his own favorite team and that Biggie Smalls and/or the guy from Fox News played a role. That sounds like one hell of a game!

From the Archives: Looking Back at the Nadir of the Internet's Worst Film Critic

Tue, 04 Mar 2008 21:17:00 -0500

Like most intellectuals, we enjoyed No Country for Old Men. We think it’s a keystone in the Coens’ oeuvre: like most Coen films, it’s dark, gripping, yet speckled with sharp, surprisingly funny dialogue. But the vision is grander, the cinematography more spectacular, the lasting impression more memorable. It’s the kind of movie that — whatever your thoughts on the final act — sticks to the inside of your ribs.

But don’t take our word for it; take the word of 182 out of 193 reviews at Rotten Tomatoes. Some of those people might possibly know what they’re talking about.

Let’s examine TBL’s stillborn excuse for a thought process.

For about 90 minutes, we were riveted. You know how Wedding Crashers and Old School are incredible for the first 90 minutes, and then kind of limp to the finish? Consider No Country for Old Men the crime/thriller version of those comedies.

Totally, man. We couldn’t get that feeling out of our system after we left the theater: the narrative arc was just like two screwball comedies!

Except this was much worse. Even more dreadful than - dare we say it - War of the Worlds, which was captivating until Tim Robbins showed up and the movie turned to garbage.

Mix metaphors much? He went from comparing a thriller to two comedies to a big-budget sci-fi flick in three sentences. And you heard it here first: No Country was worse than War of the Worlds.

We understand how it is virtually impossible to close a sci-fi/horror flick with a remotely cool ending.

You mean like Alien? Predator? Blade Runner? The Empire Strikes Back? Hell, fucking Pitch Black has a perfectly good ending. This lazy hyperbole — “remotely cool” — is representative of the casual misuse of words that TBL insults his readers with every day.

But a thriller that starts with 90 minutes of edge-of-your-seat-action? Come on! The Coen Brothers (wrote and directed) absolutely butchered the final 40 minutes.

Some say “butchered;” some say it’s an “almost impossibly faithful adaptation of the critically acclaimed Cormac McCarthy novel.” Did you read the book, TBL? Of course not; you haven’t read a piece of fiction since the last time you went ahead with an unverified rumor.

At first we were incredulous at the turn of events … but then the movie just kept plummeting in a downward spiral, kind of like Enron’s stock or the Gamecocks’ season.

Enron stock? What a clever, timely reference.

There is entirely too much awful dialogue featuring Tommy Lee Jones and other old people.

Too stupid and unfounded for us to bother refuting.

The Coens tried to get artsy; instead, the movie fell flat on its face.

Because “artsy” is such a vague and unspecific adjective, it’s hard to say for sure what TBL is trying to say here. However, assuming he means “small-budget” or “poignant” or “counter to a mindless Hollywood crowd-pleaser,” we’d argue that, with the exceptions of The Ladykillers and Intolerable Cruelty, the Coens have ALWAYS been “artsy.”

On the plus side … Javier Bardem is a menacing fellow who, with this performance, solidified his career as a lifelong bad guy. Also, the gun he uses is wicked cool.

Fucking deep, man.

We were all set to give this movie two stars based on a strong start …

He was “riveted” for 90 minutes but didn’t like the ending. That’s a two-star movie.

but the title is terrible, so we’ll go with 1.5 with a recommendation to see it …

Yeah, all the old guys live and the young guys die! More like No Country For Young Men!

By the way, TBL’s movie ranking star system, out of four, allots half a point for the movie’s title. This makes sense.

only so you can come on here and tell us how you’d end it.

“Because I get my self-worth from the number of comments each post generates!”

Three weeks until I Am Legend comes out, so there’s that.

Yes, TBL can’t wait to get away from those Coen hacks and get a Francis Lawrence movie under his belt. Lawrence made his name directing music videos, so you know a shallow dipshit like TBL will love whatever he does.

TBL Sure Knows His Literature

Tue, 04 Mar 2008 18:51:00 -0500

The word “Orwellian” is typically associated with a grim view of of society’s future as told by George Orwell in his opus, 1984. Once again, TBL is confused.

It’s a bit Orwellian, but most of the folks who “own” their house now, simply don’t. The house ends up owning its debt-ridden tenants.

We can assure you that the book has nothing to do with possessions and how they can come to possess their possessors.

It’s actually about a distopian society run by an all-powerful goverment whose secretive and iron-fisted regime would make the Soviet Union look like a shining beacon of democracy.

Perhaps TBL is under the impression that Orwell also wrote Fight Club, because this concept is downright Palahniuk-ian.

If you want to be such a faux-intellectual you could at least try a little bit harder.

TBL Cliffhanger Alert!

Tue, 04 Mar 2008 15:38:00 -0500

TBL just continues to ensure that we will never run out of content:

Our regular political contributor, Jon Schnaars, might have to hand in a tardy recap tomorrow, but just as a heads up, there will be a discussion of all things Texas and Ohio Wednesday morning.

Sadly, I don’t think he’s talking about covering the Nebraska-Texas or Purdue-Ohio State basketball games.

Prediction for tomorrow’s political discussion: “So, Texas and Ohio had primaries, smart move? Anyone surprised by the results? Find them fishy? Anyone out there not in love with Obama?”

Today In Stupid Fucking Questions

Tue, 04 Mar 2008 13:49:53 -0500

TBL may not have many skills, but one area where he excels is asking stupid fucking questions. All the time. Seriously, his stupid fucking questions are in just about every one of his posts.

So, let us take a look at today’s brain-busters…

how is this dollar/oil situation not worrying anyone?

Yes, we’re all very concerned about paying an extra nickel each time we fill up, and our apologies for not alerting you to all of our economic/political concerns on your SPORTS blog. Thank you, TBL, for being the political consciousness of a sporting nation.

Where do you people find these photos?

Google.com. I know, I know, it’s like two more steps than just hitting the “inbox” button, so you’ve certainly never tried it out. But just so you know, TMZ isn’t the only place where you can find photos.

Creatively massaging the salary cap is practically an art, but does it surprise anyone that of the QBs in the $100 million club - Big Ben, Peyton Manning, Brett Favre, Carson Palmer, Donovan McNabb and Michael Vick - Tom Brady isn’t on the list, even though he’s won as many Super Bowl titles as the other six guys combined?

…

Roethlisberger has obviously established himself as one of the premiere QBs in the NFL, and he is a deity in the Steel City, but is it really wise to sink all of that money into one player, when the Steelers just lost their best offensive lineman, and the Browns and Bills - two teams on the cusp of the playoffs last season - improved their rosters so significantly in the last week?

Does it surprise anyone that TBL has become so good at writing run-on sentences and asking stupid fucking questions every single day that he’s managed to combine the two on a somewhat regular — yet still not quite frequently enough for our liking — basis?

Where are we going with this?

Actually, that doesn’t belong here. That’s, in fact, the smartest fucking question TBL’s asked today.

And, finally, today’s “anyone?” montage:

Anyone Out There Not Love UCLA? … Georgetown, anyone? … Anyone find this fishy? ..

TBL Knows His Hoops!

Tue, 04 Mar 2008 12:17:26 -0500

Oh wow, there’s been so much crap to slog through, so we’ll just start here…

Are the 76ers just a good post-player away from the playoffs in the East?

Nothing says “I have no clue what I’m talking about but I’d like to make it seem as if I do” like one of those nonsensical open-ended questions.

Hey TBL, who in the East ISN’T a good post-player away from the playoffs? Hell, the Sixers have a decent shot at making it even without one.

After a strong end to last season, a poor draft set them back a bit.

Thaddeus Young thinks you are brain damaged.

We’d like to see Philly make a move on Indiana’s DJ White

Only in the world of TBL could DJ White be the answer for an NBA team in need of a dominant post presence. TBL still can’t believe Ryan Gomes isn’t starting at center for a playoff contender.

And now, a lesson in writing from the blogosphere’s most outstanding writer…

Twenty-four hours after dropping an OT thriller in LA, the Mavs ran out of gas down the stretch as the Jazz went on a 16-0 run and were a perfect 18-for-18 from the line in the fourth quarter in upping the best home record in the NBA to 25-3.

That’s one long sentence, but hey, at least it’s got flow!

Don't Blame Him, the Inbox Is Empty!

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 16:10:43 -0500

Having to work when you’re sick is pretty crappy, but I’m not sure that it excuses abject laziness. But you aren’t TBL…

Yes, it’s another photo of Romo and Simpson. We’re too sick to poke around, and the links to famous hot famous chicks have not exactly been flowing into our inbox today.

I had no idea how taxing it must be to troll the internet looking for pictures of attractive women to dress up another link dump.

What’s really notable about the “PM Roundup” is how few blogs are actually linked. But don’t blame TBL, blame yourself for not emailing him all of the best stuff on the internet every day.

Hey TBL, take five minutes and set-up an RSS for yourself. This should be a nice compromise given your affinity for receiving everything you read via email and your distaste for reading actual sports blogs.

Now go get yourself some chicken soup and your favorite fluffy slippers, because you deserve a break.

Breaking News From TBL

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 17:00:00 -0500

At 3:16 AM on Wednesday morning (so, two and a half days ago) there was a story in the Dallas Morning News about a Rangers pitcher getting in trouble for blogging, blah, blah, blah … you know the details because, as I said, it’s from two and a half days ago.

Well, guess who just posted it like it’s news (I’ll give you a hint: His name starts with “T,” ends with “L” and I think there’s a “douche” in there somewhere). This officially makes TBL the 14th blog to post the story (this only counts those registered with BallHype).

In other news, we landed on the moon!

Also, some sweet, sweet irony from this same post:

“Curt Schilling needs to give Rangers pitcher CJ Wilson a crash course on how to blog.”

I’d like to think this site is TBL’s crash course on how to blog.

TBL Cliffhanger Alert!

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 15:40:00 -0500

Don’t tease us, TBL!:

“Richard Deitsch with an interesting look at ESPN’s Bob Knight acquisition, which we plan on writing more about next week.”

Oh, you fucking dick tease, you. We have to wait until next week for you to ask, but never actually answer, pressing questions such as “Do we like this hire for ESPN?” and “We think Bob Knight is overrated as a coach, anyone?”

Fuck! How am I supposed to enjoy my weekend now, living in such anticipation?! That’s it, I’m going home, taking four cow tranquilizers and hibernating until Monday morning.

Pretending you know anything about pop culture has to get tiring

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 14:16:00 -0500

The Post In Question

Stephen Ireland, a soccer player for Manchester City, made a fine selection with the Range Rover, but what he did to the rest of it easily gives him the weakest high-end ride in all of sports. That includes the world, universe, and solar system.

* The 20s was a guesstimate - they may be 24s. But if Funk Flex catches wind of this, he’s going to totally clown this chap.

The number of things wrong with the second paragraph here is almost too mind-boggling to dissect. But let’s start with the word “guesstimate,” which, if I may guesstimate, is used exclusively by unimaginitive d-bags. Second, pretending you have any clue what size rims some guy in Ireland is rocking is actually worse than just admitting you’re clueless. And third, Funk Flex? This is your reference for urban car culture?

Be honest: You’re really Peter King under there, aren’t you?

What Did TBL Steal Today?

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 12:40:00 -0500

TBL’s creditless post

Actually, it wasn’t totally creditless, TBL — of course — says a “reader sent in this video”:

Let’s see, where could this “reader” have found this video? Maybe in FanHouse earlier this morning? Or could it have been on Sports By Brooks EIGHT HOURS ago? Or perhaps from the site of some tiny, local sports news affiliate called The Big Ten Network?

Abe Froman: Sausage King of Dallas

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 12:15:00 -0500

“Just like Ferris Bueller did, they’re dancing in the streets in Dallas.”

Call me crazy, but I think those tall buildings are in Chicago:

Nice work, TBL.